读后续写：给妈妈买的胸针 讲义-高考英语作文备考.docx

读后续写  阅读下面短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。续写词数应为150左右。In 1945, a 12-year-old boy saw a beautifulbrooch(胸针) in a shop window that set his heart racing. But the pricefive dollarswas too high for Reuben Earle. Five dollars would buy almost a week's food for his family. Reuben couldn't ask his father for the money. Everything hisfather made through fishing went to his mother, Dora. Slim and beautiful, she was the center of the home, the glue that held it together. The housework was never-ending, and she struggled to support their five children but she was happy as her family and their well-being were all she cared about.Nevertheless, he opened the shop's weathered (风化的)door and went inside, Standing proud and straight in his floursack(面粉袋改做的) shirt and washedout trousers, he told the shopkeeper what he wanted, adding, "But I don't have the money right now. Can you please hold it for some time?"I'll try,"the shopkeeper smiled. "People around here don't usually have that kind of money to spend on things. It should keep for a while."Reuben respectfully touched his worn cap and walked out.He wouldraise the money and not tell anybody, for he thought Mum would get surprised when she saw that brooch. On hearing the sound of hammering from a side street, Reuben suddenly had an idea that he could raise money by selling the used nail bags(装钉子的麻袋). People built their own buildings in Bay Roberts, using nails bought in bags from a local factory. Sometimes the used nail bags were thrown away at the construction site, and Reuben knew he could sell them back to the factory for five cents a piece.That day he sold two nail bags and hid the money in a rustysoda tin.Paragraph 1：Every day after school, Reuben started his plan.Paragraph 2：Finally, the time came!Paragraph 1情节走向：从首段提示语可知，每天放学后，Reuben开始实施自己的计划。其次，第二段提示语说 终于，时间到了。说明Reuben成功攒够了钱。那么首段续写需要以描写Reuben执行计划的过程开始，到攒够钱结束。（但如我在文似看山不喜平一文中所说，剧情设计合理设置波澜可以增加阅读乐趣，让文章脱颖而出。）Para1必须要回答的问题：第一段中，Reuben是顺顺利利按部就班地就攒够钱呢？还是他会觉得这样攒太慢，需要加速呢？如果需要加速，是自己攒，还是和他的兄弟姐妹一起呢？回答上述问题：按照一个袋子5美分的速度，攒够5美元需要100个袋子。原文提到只是有时这个袋子才会被扔掉，且当天下午Reuben只捡了2个袋子，所以Reuben的集齐5美元的速度不会太快。需要想方法加速。Para1伏笔原文中有句话说，He would raise the money and not tell anybody, for he thought Mum would get surprised when she saw that brooch.所以为了保证惊喜，他不会和自己的4个兄弟姐妹说，而是自己努力。首段分句精析：After leaving his school bag at home and telling his Mum he went out to play, Reuben would rush to a near construction site to seek for nail bags.（第一句的逻辑设计和原文紧密呼应。作为一个懂事的小朋友，我设计Reuben先把书包放到家，然后知会妈妈自己的动向，最后再开始找袋子行动。采用时间状语从句简化句连接三个以Reuben为主语的动作，动作前后连贯，流畅。）Yet, in two weeks, he had only collected 35 bags which was far from his goal.（欲扬先抑，设置人物完成目标的阻碍。剧情安排也符合常理，因为拣取周边的袋子先易后难。既然离目标很远，那应该怎么办呢？调动读者的阅读兴趣。）Although he ran past the window every day to make sure the brooch was still there, he feared it would be gone the next day.（这里补充一句贴合原文情节和人物形象的心理描写。因为原文中，店主人虽然答应给Reuben留着，但也说，"I'll try," the shopkeeper smiled.不是很肯定的语气。所以Reuben在执行计划时，每天都会去确认一次。为什么每天呢？因为害怕这个漂亮的胸针第二天就被人买走。这样的心理描写，突出了人物内心的紧迫感。也为Reuben下一步的行动提供了逻辑支撑。）To speed up his mission, he pleaded with the factory worker who had already become acquainted with the boy to tell him where he could collect more bags.（如何加速？方法有多种，如：1.兼职其他工作，如paper delivery, babysitting等；2.还是收集袋子，但是目标更明确，信息来源更广泛，从而提高速度。我选取了第二种。因为Reuben经常去换袋子，所以和工厂换袋子的人熟悉符合逻辑。我在这里设计了“Reuben向已熟悉的工作人员恳求（plead with someone），并让对方提供在哪儿或许能收集更多的袋子的信息”的情节，然后Reuben再更有目的性地去找。）With the information and his unyielding effort, it only took another two weeks to gather and sell an additional 65 bags.（虽然Reuben成功获取了信息，但有人买钉子也不一定会扔袋子，所以Reuben仍需要花费一番功夫，逻辑合理，前后呼应。数字65和前面的35结合，构成100。无须点明，读者自然明白钱已经集齐，与下文流畅衔接。）Paragraph 2情节走向：（这段话涉及两段剧情：1. 去店中购买胸针； 2. 给妈妈送上礼物。两段剧情间，我采用了一个我超满意的环境描写衔接。下面进入para2具体分析：Putting the rusty tin in his school bag, Reuben rushed to the shop where the brooch still shone in the window.（为什么Reuben要把罐子放在书包里？这个rusty tin（与原文语言呼应）里面装的应该都是零钱，跑起来会叮叮当当。所以1. 为了不引人注意，保证惊喜，书包可以muffle the sound，隔绝声音。 2. 怀璧其罪。为了不招额外麻烦，放到包里隔绝视线。Reuben盼了很久，努力了很久的这一天终于来到，他的心理应当是很激动的，所以他不会悠悠闲闲地走去，就像我们遇到激动的事情会手舞足蹈一个道理。当他抵达的时候，我增加了一句环境描写，where the brooch still shone in the window. 这符合原文环境，而shone闪耀 则既是对brooch的写实，也投射了人物心理。）Through the weathered door, Reuben proudly paid for the brooch in cents and quarters and flew home with a red velvet box safely tucked in his bag.（这里着重描述动作而精简语言。这句话的三处设计我都很满意，分别是：.1.    Weathered 与Proudly的呼应。在原文中Reuben的人物描写是he opened the shop's weathered door and went inside. Standing proud and straight in his floursack shirt and washedout trousers, he 穿过磨损的门，衣着面粉袋改的衬衫和洗旧的裤子，Reuben是很骄傲地笔直地站在柜台前和老板谈话。从这句话可以看出他是一个很有自尊的孩子。所以此处当他来到商店时，穿过那扇weathered door，他依然是proudly自豪地去购买这个胸针。2.    Cents and quarters。因为Reuben每次捡的袋子不会太多，且为避免被家人询问，应该都会立刻换成钱，所以罐子里应该是以分和角为主。这是一个小细节，却让文本更加可信。3.    Flew home with a red velvet box safely tucked in his bag. Reuben买好东西是怎么回家的呢？归心似箭下，我用了flew，飞回去，体现人物心理。其次，读者也能从这句话得知brooch被装在一个红丝绒的盒子里，符合它珠宝的气质，也和后文情节呼应，埋下伏笔。.第一段买胸针的剧情，到此收尾。）The smell of dinner greeted him at the porch.（两段剧情如何衔接？这句话提供了一个极佳的范本。从上一个动作可知，Reuben飞回家，下一步应该是找他的母亲。那么自然而然就有两个问题：1. 母亲在哪里？ 2. 他如何找见的？按照很多续写的春秋笔法，这两个问题很可能都会含糊处理。但是我会觉得，把这两个问题回答好，逻辑才算真正无缺。第一个问题，他的母亲在哪？原文说，The housework was never-ending，所以他的母亲一定不会是闲着，结合放学后去买胸针的情节，等Reuben回来应该差不多到了晚饭时间，所以妈妈在做晚饭是合理的。但Reuben怎么能一下子就去厨房找到妈妈呢？此处我使用了一个无灵主语句的环境描写， The smell of dinner greeted him at the porch. 晚饭的香味在门口迎接他，瞬间，两个看似复杂的问题，用一句话就完美解答。写作要素丰富的同时，两段剧情亦无缝衔接。）Into the kitchen, Reuben gently tapped his Mum on the shoulder and when she turned, presented the red box to her.（这句话描写人物重点突出互动性。在厨房里，Reuben先是轻拍母亲，当她扭过来时，才奉上它的礼物，这里的present一次双关。）“Its for you, Mum. Thank you for everything”, Reuben smiled.（语言简练，儿子对母亲的感激尽在不言中。用smiled代替said，清新脱俗。）Wiping her hands on the apron first, she opened the box and a giant smile spread across her face.（母亲没有立刻打开这个盒子，为什么？母亲在做饭，手上可能不十分方便，所以看到这个精致的盒子，她会先擦手，再接过来。一个小小的动作设计，人物形象又近一步得一丰满。看到盒子里的东西，一个大大的微笑在她脸上绽放。无灵主语句描写人物微表情，体现出母亲的惊喜和感动。）Never had Dora received such a beautiful gift nor would she forget that precious day.（故事停在上一句，用母亲的微笑收尾也是很好的。考场上我推荐这样的结尾。写这一句，采用否定突出的手法，再次用语言收尾，是为了聚焦母亲对这个礼物的反应，让人物互动更完整，同时升华主题。“朵拉从未收到过如此美丽的礼物，也不会忘记珍贵的的那一天。”  孩子的心意，母亲自会珍藏。）下水文：Paragraph 1：Every day after school, Reuben started his plan.After leaving his school bag at home and telling his Mum he went out to play, Reuben would rush to a near construction site to seek for nail bags. Yet, in two weeks, he had only collected 35 bags which was far from his goal. Although he ran past the window every day to make sure the brooch was still there, he feared it would be gone the next day. To speed up his mission, he pleaded with the factory worker who had already become acquainted with the boy to tell him where he could collect more bags. With the information and his unyielding effort, it only took another two weeks to gather and sell an additional 65 bags.Paragraph 2：Finally, the time came!Putting the rusty tin in his school bag, Reuben rushed to the shop where the brooch still shone in the window. Through the weathered door, Reuben proudly paid for the brooch in cents and quarters and flew home with a red velvet box safely tucked in his bag. The smell of dinner greeted him at the porch. Into the kitchen, Reuben gently tapped his Mum on the shoulder and when she turned, presented the red box to her. “Its for you, Mum. Thank you for everything”, Reuben smiled. Wiping her hands on the apron first, she opened the box and a giant smile spread across her face. Never had Dora received such a beautiful gift nor would she forget that precious day.学科网（北京）股份有限公司