英语搞笑短剧剧本.pdf
三打白骨精T hree T imes Beating M onster人物：T唐僧S：孙悟空E：猪八戒J：沙僧B：白骨精（何平）Bl：B变成的村姑B 2：B变成的太婆B 3：B变化成的老头T:Emitofo,do you know where w e are now?S：Bajie,map!E：（摸出，递给5）S：Look,boss（凑近 T）.（T、5 一齐转向 E）T:BajielHow M any times I have told you,dont bring these pictures of beautiful girls!E：Oh,boss!Forgive m e（伸手拿回）T：（缩手）III keep it for you until w e reach the westE：But T:Emitofo,nothing is lust Just is nothing!M ap?E：（递）H e r e.E m w e have arrived in White T iger M ountainlAh I canrt walk on any more!（坐）M y stomach doesnt allow S o.S：Fat Pig!E：M onkey jf you dare to say these two words once again,I will,1 will.S：You will whai（凶相）？E：（软禁）工 will help you catch fleas（跳蚤）.S：Hm!T:（轻咳）Wukong,factually,工 a m a bit hungry Could you go to get m e some food?E：You see,boss is hungry Joo!T：Baijie!Dont forget who ate m y last meal!J：But bossjf a monster comes while brother monkey is away.T:E m.It is a problem.Wukong.do you have any idea?S：N。problem!（安装）（B已躲在一旁偷看）J：T his is.?S：Electric net!I have learnt the energy of electricity from bosss books.S o I made this.N o monster can approach you ifyou stay in it!T：E m Wukong,you are becoming more and more scientific!Emitofo,knowledge is power!S：Bye!（走）Lets play cards!（:人开始打牌）音 乐 斗地主B：Hm!Hm!Electric net?You are too childish.（变成 Bl）Bl：（接近三人,望着）Can I join you?J：Im sorryJady.W e are playing Fighting Against landowner and three people are enough.Bl：（在,旁观看）Oh,Chance!Bomb!T:B o m b?（打出）Bl：Double King!T:Oh.I win!E m,Lady,you are a boss-hand.C ome in and teach me!（准备开电网门）S：（回来，存见Bl）Oh,monster!（上前就打）Bl：（倒）A h.T：（气愤）Wukong!Look what have done!S he is m y teacher!S,.S he is a monster!T：Nonsense!（深呼吸）S：Oh,please dont T：Ifs too late!（唱）Once more.you open the door.（泰坦尼克主题曲，走音离谱）S：Please,Please,oh,no（痛苦抱头）T：（呛住，咳）Wukonglm disappointed with you!B：（真身出现）Hm!S un Wukong,Ill teach you a lesson!（变成太婆）B2：Hello,have you seen my daughter?T：Daughter?（连忙挡住地尸体）N。,sorry!（陪笑，B 2想看后面是什么，T挡）5：（咬牙切齿）You monster,口I beat you into hell!（S追打B2,B2躲至T身后，S打，不想打到T头，T晕，5再打死B2）E&J：Are you Ok,boss?（扶 T）J：Look,（伸食指）how many?T：T wo.（晕乎乎地）S un Wukong,game over!（变成 B3）B3：（看到 Bl,82 尸体）O h my daughter,my wife!W h o did it?!（哭喊）S：Ill kill you,monster!（打）T:（想阻止，未及）you,you.（险些晕，E J 扶 住）You have killed three lives!S：No,they are not human beings!T hey are created by monster!T：M onster?You are a real monster!Never let me see you,go!S：（悲，离去）（音乐，营造 假 悲伤气氛）人鬼情未了J：boss,brother M onkey is.T:Dont mention that guy any more!B：（出现）Ha,ha,ha!（三尸体B1,B2,B3在B招手后 飘 走）T：（1$）You are.B：How foolish you are,M r T ang!（E,J 去阻斗,被击退）B：（抓住 T）III enjoy your meat and blood,hazha.5：（悄悄走到 B 后，打 B,B 星）A thousand years later.T：Wukong?E：Oh.Brother M onkey!J：Our hero is back!T：1,1 cant understand What happened?S：Boss,your I Q needs increasing!T his monster changed its appearance into three shapes in order to cheat you!T:How,how did you find out?S：（沉默）.M onkeys intuition（直觉）T：Wukong（S 不理 T）I admit my mistake this time（S 仍不理）m sorry（小声）S：What?T：Im sorry.S：Em?Louder,please?T：I.a m sorry.（S捂耳）（音乐响）敢问路在何方（这个放伴奏）（谢幕）孔雀东南飞Wanderseveryfivemiles焦仲卿 Johnny（Jforshort）刘兰芝 Lunch（Lforshort）焦母 Johnny smother（JM forshort）刘母 Lunch smother（LM forshort）太守之子 M ayor sson（M S forshort）强盗 Burglars（ABandC）Prologue（J作被打状跑上台，内砸出一卷纸筒J被打中，狼狈不堪）J：EverybodysaysthatI?mhenpecked.butinfact,I masstrongasatiger,（小声）whilemywifeisWuS ong.（指着上台处的门大声道）工 mnotafraidofyou!（内砸出一脸盆,J接住当成盾牌护着头）T hen,mafraidofwhom?M ywifeLunchisthemostfamouswomanintheneighbor-hood.S heisbraverthanme,smarterthantneandstrongerthanme.AllthisIdonotcare.Ionlywanthertobetenderthanme.R utsheisnotlHavingawifelikethisisjustlikelivinginthehell!（内又砸出一卷纸筒，击中J）M yG od!Whocanhelpme?（T）Actl（序幕结束时J M作窃听状）J M（拄拐棍上）:工can!（对门内）Lunch!Lunch!Whereareyou?L（扎着围裙，拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来）：mherelWhaf supmum?J M：rvetoldyouagainandagainthatyoushouldcallmewmymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law*1.L：OK.M ymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law,whafsup?J M：S inceyoumarriedmysonyouhavebehavedsobadly.youhavebeensorude,sobrusque,solazy.L：But.J M：Neverinterruptme!LeverinterruptmelS incelmarriedyoursonJhQtterribleJohnnyJhavebeenworkinghQrdalldaylongookingandwashing.Ihaveraisedtensofthousandsofpigsandducksandchickenand.J M：Butallthoseyouhavedonearenotasvaluableasagrandson!L（生，气地挥动着锅铲）：Oh,youwantagrandson,don tyou?（开始解围褶）G oandaskyourson.I*mleaving!（扯下围裙，扔在J M的脸上，下）Act2（L M坐在台上打毛线,L拿着锅铲上）L：M um,1mback!LAA：Youareback?Why?Whathappened?L：Iwaskickedoutbymymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law.L M（惊讶，但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情）:S ee!工 havealreadytoldyou!WhenyouinsistedonmarryingthatterribleJohnnyJtoldyouthatheisuglystupidandpoorutyoudidnotlistentome.Lookatyourself L：But,mum.LAA：Neverinterruptme!L：Mumirmnotinterruptingyou.IjustwanttotellyouthatyouarealwaysrightOK?Andrilmarrywhomeveryouwantmeto.LM（大喜）:Nicegirl!Justnow,1metthemayor ssoninthemarket.Hesaid：M IfyoudaughterHaventbeenmarriedJreallyreallywanttomQrryherlNowyouQrefreeQgainJllgoandtellhim.（下）L（惊愕）:What?Themayor sson?Themostfamousplayboyintheneighbor-hood?（-,+,铲掉在地上）Whatasillything工 havedone!（下）Act3（J 睡眼惺恰上）J（边走边道）:Lunch!Lunch!Wherearemysocks?（走了几步，在地上捡起袜子）Heretheyare!（闻一下）ErlHowsmellylTheyarestilldirty!（突然想起）Lunchhasgone!1havetowashthemmyself.（他的肚子似乎咕贴叫了起来）0 人工 msohungrylButthere*snobreakfast!（捡起地上的围）ThisiswhatLunchalwayswears!Imisshersomuch,andherexcellentcookingskill!Nowshehasgone.Ihavetocookformymotherandmyself.JM（上）:Where smybreakfast?Where?sLunch?Hasn,tshegotupyet?J：Mum/can,tyouretnember?Lunchhasgone!JM（沉吟片亥 iJ）：Well1otellyouthetruthJohnny,asonwithoutawifeisuseless.Lunchisanicegirl.goandtakeherback!J（立正敬礼）:yesmadam!Act4（J 开心地走着，忽然跳出来三个强盗）A：Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!Theroadisbuiltbyme!（抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上）B：Andlplantedonetree!（亦抬脚踩在同块石头上）C：工 fyouwanttogobythisstreet-（欲踩石头，但踩到了 A 的脚）ABdC：Giveusallyourmoney!J（搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出1角硬币Hsimaoenough?（三强盗晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量）A：Whatbadluck!Thisguyisbroken!BJfwecannotrobanymoneytodayewillhavenothingtoeattonight!CJheardthatthemQyorssonisgoingtotnarryMissLiuLanzhinextmonth.WEcangoandrobthewedding!A&B：Goodidea!J（惊讶）:Wha1?What?Lunchisgoingtogetmarried?rt simpossible!ABAC:Why?AprettygirlQndarichman,whatagoodcouple!J：ButLunchismy wif e!Wehaventgotdivorcedyet!（突然有了主意）1 vegotanidea!youaregoingtorobthewedding,don,tyou?It llgowithyou.youtakethemoneyandltakethebride.B：Haveyougotanyexperience?JN o.B utr veg。廿his!Q脱下鞋子从里面摸出张支票，上书$1 ,0 0 0,0 0 0）Act5（转眼已到了婚礼之期.M 5意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，J 盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台）（J和三强盗跃至台中）ABCA J：Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!A：Theroadisbuiltbyme!B：AndIplantedonetree.C：IfyouwanttogobythisstreetJ：Giveusallyourmoney!（L 听到J 的声音，掀起/盖头）L（惊喜万分）:Johnny!（不顾一切地飞奔到J 的身边并躲到了的身后）（MS大怒，挥拳向J 打来.J 矮身一躲，M 5打中了 J 身后的L,L 晕倒）J（火冒三丈）:Howdareyoubeatmywife!（挥拳向 MS 冲去）（J 与 MS混战，JAA上，以拐杖击晕MS）（J 将 M S胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前）J（扶起 L,关切地问）:Honey,howareyou?L（哭状）：1hurtalot!J：Don tcrybaby.1*Ilgoandfetchthemedicine.（下）L（起身去追）:W aitform e!（跑 b）（音乐起 CanYouCelebrate）Big words of western tour（大话西游）Chapter 1Site：The weddingCharacters：牛魔王、至尊宝、紫霞、小妖Aside：The story begins with a wedding.The Bull King is going to have a concubine.牛：Today is my wedding.I am going to have a concubine.Ha ha ha.妖：Concubine?Dose your wife agree to it?牛：Oh!She is not lovely anymore.She s right now at the Flame Mountain.She can do nothing about it!（至尊宝从后台走入人群中）牛：Let me introduce my brother to you!My bro!Come here!This is my brother.（牛深情地转向紫霞）牛：Z ixia,listen to me.I think I,ve fallen in love with you once I know you.I want to show my sincerity.S o I requestyou to marry me in front of my bros.T his Pandora*s Box is my gift to you.I hope you would say yes.妖：I object!牛：What?妖：Z ixia has a means to test her lover.If you can pass it,I will shout up!至：What s this?R eally?妖：T his test is that she would marry the guy who can make her M agic S word go out of the scabbard.（剑从至的怀中落下）妖：M agic S word?牛：Let me do this!（紫跑出，拾剑）紫：I f s not true!I f s just a joke.It is still meaningless even if you can put it out!（紫跑下）妖：King,Iron Fan Princess has come.牛：Aaa.（牛惊慌地跑下）Aside：T he monkey king leaves the front hall,running to back garden.Chapter 2S ite：Bull Kings back gardenCharacters：至尊宝、紫霞（至跑过来，突然看到紫独自坐在台阶上，于是走过来）至：W h y are you hiding here?（紫抽剑，指向至。两人定格，至走出来，独白）至：At this time,the blade is really close to me,0.01 cm I think.But after a short period of time,0.01 second I think,the owner of the sword will fall for me whole-heartedly.Because I ve decided to tell lies,工ve told many lies in my life,but I think it is the most wonderful lie!紫：工II kill you if you come closer!至：You should kill me!Kill me!V d found my best love,but I didn,t treasure her.I left regretful after that.I f s theultimate pain in the world.Just cut my throat,please don t hesitate!I f God can give me a chance,I will tell her therewords.*I love you”.I f God wants to give a time limit.Ill say this love will last 10 thousand years!（紫长叹，抛剑，拾剑，抱剑）紫：What can you tell your wife?至：I have to tell her the truth.So I must get the Pandora*s Box back.Then go back with you and explain everything.But I hate myself that I can*t get the box back.I .紫：I help you!至：No,i f s dangerous!紫：You don t want to?至：I do!B u t紫：I trust you!I,II get the Pandora s Box back tonight.Wait for me here at midnight.（猪喊）至：Let me do something to my boss first.See you tonight.（依依不舍）Aside：The nightChapter 3Site：DungeonCharacters：至尊宝、猪八戒、沙僧、唐僧猪和沙：M aster,master（两人同时悄声说）猪：W e come to save you.沙：W e come to bring you out.唐：I won t go.猪和沙：S tay here?Why?唐：T here,re full of obstacles in the way of getting scriptures.T his is because we re not united enough.S o we let thedevils do bad to us.T hat,s fine.T his prison has no difference with the outside world,to m e；the outside world is just abigger prison.You go out first.I have something to tell him.（猪和沙下）唐：You come in and have a sit!至：T o be honest,r m not your disciple.I don t want to be your disciple.M aster I know you re a good guy.Please letme go!唐：bo you know“dong,dong,dong.?至：What is dong,dong,dong?唐：“dong,dong,dong.is.（唐唱 Only you）至：S top.S top.I can t take this anymore,please stop.唐：Ohoh.至：Damn you,you I ve said I can5 t take this anymore,bon*t disturb or I,I I kill you.唐：M onkey King,you can kill me.Life and death are very minor.W h e n you know why you should make sacrifices,you willcome back and sing this song with me.Namonitabhaya（至跑走）Aside：T he M onkey King succeeds in escaping form the Bull King,and he reaches the S piders Cave with the G rapes.Unfortunately,the M onkey King and his friends meet the Queen of S pider.T he M onkey have heard that if the blade slashed fast and accurately,the guy whos cut open wont die at once.Hecan still see.S o he asks the Queen of the S pider to kill him as fast as she could and to tear his heart out and let himhave a look.After the M onkey Kings death,he appears in the Hole of Waterfall.Chapter 4S ite：T he Hole of WaterfallCharacters：至尊宝、观音至：G oddess.1 m about to understand your words.I used m y eyes to see in the past.W h a t I was dying.I started usingm y heart to see this world.T hen I could see all things clearly.T hat girl has left a drop of tear in m y heart.I felt hersorrow.观：Have you given up all things in human world?至：Yes!Life and death is just minor!.But I dont understand why can humans hatred last 10 years,50 years,andeven 500 years.W h a t hatred is it?观：S o that T ang M o n k went to the west and got scriptures,which clean out hearts.至：OK,I want to stay here,there are many things waiting for m e to do.观：I want to warn you again.After wearing the gold ring,youre no longer a normal human.You cant have human desiresanymore.If you do so,the gold ring will get smaller and smaller.I f s very uncomfortable.至：OK.观：Before wearing the ring,what do you want to say?至：I had had found m y best love,but I didn t treasure her.W h e n I lost her,I regret.I f s the most pain in the world.If God can give m e another chance,I will say there words to her 工 love you！If there is a time limit,I hope,it is 10thousand years!小美人鱼一英文剧本T H E LIT T LE ME RMA I D 小品剧本，个人简历 简历封面(An ocean.Birds are flying and porpoises are swimming happily.From the fog a ship appears crashing through the waves)S ailors：Ill tell you a tale of the bottomless blueAnd its hey to the starboard,heave hoLook out,lad,a mermaid be waitin for youIn mysterious fathoms below.Eric：Isnt this great?T he salty sea air,the wind blowing in your facea perfect day to be at sea!G rimsby：(Leaning over side.)O h yes delightful.S ailor 1：A fine strong wind and a following sea.King T riton must be in afriendly-type mood.Eric：King T riton?S ailor 2:Why,ruler of the merpeople,lad.T hought every good sailor knewabout him.G rimsby：M erpeople!Eric,pay no attention to this nautical nonsense.S ailor 2：But it aint nonsense,its the truth!Im tellin you,down in thedepths o the ocean they live.(He gestures wildly,Fish in his hand flopsaway and lands back in the ocean,relieved.)S ailors：Heave.ho.Heave,ho.In mysterious fathoms below.(Fish sighs andswims away.)(T itles.Various fish swimming.M erpeople converge on a great underseapalace,filling concert hall inside.Fanfare ensues.)S eahorse：A h e m .His royal highness.King T riton!(T riton entersdramatically to wild cheering.)And presenting the distinguished courtcomposer,Horatio T helonious Ignatius Crustaceous S ebastian!(S ebastianenters to mild applause.)T riton：Im really looking forward to this performance,S ebastian.S ebastian：Oh,Your M ajesty,this will be the finest concert I have ever conducted.Your daughters-they will be spectacular!T riton：Yes,and especially m y little Ariel.S ebastian：Yes,yes,she has the most beautiful voice.sotto If onlyshed show up for rehearsals once in Q while.(He proceeds to podiumand begins to direct orchestra.)T ritons daughters：Ah,we are the daughters of T riton.G reat father who loves us and named us well：Aquata,Andrina,Arista,Atina,Adella,Allana.And then there is the youngest in her musical debut,Our seventh little sister,were presenting her to you.T o sing a song S ebastian wrote,her voice is like a bell.S hes our sister,Ar-i(S hell opens to reveal that Ariel is absent.)T riton：(Very angry.)Ariel!(Cut to Ariel looking at sunken ship.)Flounder：(From distance.)Ariel,wait for m e .Ariel：Flounder,hurry up!Flounder：(Catching up.)You know I cant swim that fast.Ariel：T here it is.Isnt it fantastic?Flounder：Yeah.sure.it-its great.N o w lets get outta here.Ariel：Youre not getting cold fins now,are you?Flounder：Who,me?N o way.Its just,it,err.it looks-damp in there.Yeah.And I think I may be coming down with something.Yeah,I got thiscough.(Flounder coughs unconvincingly)Ariel：All right.Im going inside.You can just stay here and-watch forsharks.(S he goes inside.)Flounder：O.K.Yeah-you go.Ill stay and-what?S harks!Ariel!(He tries to fit through porthole.)Ariel.I cant.I mean-Ariel help!Ariel：(Laughs.)Oh,Flounder.Flounder：(Wispering.)Ariel,do you really think there might be sharks aroundhere?(S hark passes outside.)Ariel：Flounder,dont be such a guppy.Flounder：Im not Q guppy.(G ets pulled through porthole.)T his is great-1mean,I really love this.Excitement,adventure,danger lurking aroundevery corn-Y A A A A H H U H H H U H!Ariel!(He sees a skull,crashes into pillarcausing cave in,and swims frantically a
