Ted演讲稿脆弱的力量.doc

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1、*-Brene Brown： The power of vulnerabilitySo, Ill start with this:a couple years ago, an event planner called mebecause I was going to do a speaking event.And she called, and she said,Im really struggling with howto write about you on the little flier.And I thought, Well, whats the struggle?And she s

2、aid, Well, I saw you speak,and Im going to call you a researcher, I think,but Im afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come,because theyll think youre boring and irrelevant.(Laughter)And I was like, Okay.And she said, But the thing I liked about your talkis youre a storyteller.So I think wh

3、at Ill do is just call you a storyteller.And of course, the academic, insecure part of mewas like, Youre going to call me a what?And she said, Im going to call you a storyteller.And I was like, Why not magic pixie?(Laughter)I was like, Let me think about this for a second.I tried to call deep on my

4、courage.And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller.Im a qualitative researcher.I collect stories; thats what I do.And maybe stories are just data with a soul.And maybe Im just a storyteller.And so I said, You know what?Why dont you just say Im a researcher-storyteller.And she went, Haha. Theres no

5、such thing.(Laughter)So Im a researcher-storyteller,and Im going to talk to you today -were talking about expanding perception -and so I want to talk to you and tell some storiesabout a piece of my researchthat fundamentally expanded my perceptionand really actually changed the way that I live and l

6、oveand work and parent.And this is where my story starts.When I was a young researcher, doctoral student,my first year I had a research professorwho said to us,Heres the thing,if you cannot measure it, it does not exist.And I thought he was just sweet-talking me.I was like, Really? and he was like,

7、Absolutely.And so you have to understandthat I have a bachelors in social work, a masters in social work,and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work,so my entire academic careerwas surrounded by peoplewho kind of believedin the lifes messy, love it.And Im more of the, lifes messy,clean it up, organize

8、 itand put it into a bento box.(Laughter)And so to think that I had found my way,to found a career that takes me -really, one of the big sayings in social workis, Lean into the discomfort of the work.And Im like, knock discomfort upside the headand move it over and get all As.That was my mantra.So I

9、 was very excited about this.And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me,because I am interested in some messy topics.But I want to be able to make them not messy.I want to understand them.I want to hack into these thingsI know are importantand lay the code out for everyone to see.So

10、where I started was with connection.Because, by the time youre a social worker for 10 years,what you realizeis that connection is why were here.Its what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.This is what its all about.It doesnt matter whether you talk to peoplewho work in social justice and mental

11、health and abuse and neglect,what we know is that connection,the ability to feel connected, is -neurobiologically thats how were wired -its why were here.So I thought, you know what, Im going to start with connection.Well, you know that situationwhere you get an evaluation from your boss,and she tel

12、ls you 37 things you do really awesome,and one thing - an opportunity for growth?(Laughter)And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right?Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well,because, when you ask people about love,they tell you about heartbreak.When you ask peopl

13、e about belonging,theyll tell you their most excruciating experiencesof being excluded.And when you ask people about connection,the stories they told me were about disconnection.So very quickly - really about six weeks into this research -I ran into this unnamed thingthat absolutely unraveled connec

14、tionin a way that I didnt understand or had never seen.And so I pulled back out of the researchand thought, I need to figure out what this is.And it turned out to be shame.And shame is really easily understoodas the fear of disconnection:Is there something about methat, if other people know it or se

15、e it,that I wont be worthy of connection?The things I can tell you about it:its universal; we all have it.The only people who dont experience shamehave no capacity for human empathy or connection.No one wants to talk about it,and the less you talk about it the more you have it.What underpinned this

16、shame,this Im not good enough, -which we all know that feeling:Im not blank enough. Im not thin enough,rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough,promoted enough.The thing that underpinned thiswas excruciating vulnerability,this idea of,in order for connection to happen,we have to allow ourselves t

17、o be seen,really seen.And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability.And so I thought, this is my chanceto beat it back with my measuring stick.Im going in, Im going to figure this stuff out,Im going to spend a year, Im going to totally deconstruct shame,Im going to understand how

18、 vulnerability works,and Im going to outsmart it.So I was ready, and I was really excited.As you know, its not going to turn out well.(Laughter)You know this.So, I could tell you a lot about shame,but Id have to borrow everyone elses time.But heres what I can tell you that it boils down to -and this

19、 may be one of the most important things that Ive ever learnedin the decade of doing this research.My one yearturned into six years:thousands of stories,hundreds of long interviews, focus groups.At one point, people were sending me journal pagesand sending me their stories -thousands of pieces of da

20、ta in six years.And I kind of got a handle on it.I kind of understood, this is what shame is,this is how it works.I wrote a book,I published a theory,but something was not okay -and what it was is that,if I roughly took the people I interviewedand divided them into peoplewho really have a sense of w

21、orthiness -thats what this comes down to,a sense of worthiness -they have a strong sense of love and belonging -and folks who struggle for it,and folks who are always wondering if theyre good enough.There was only one variablethat separated the people who havea strong sense of love and belongingand

22、the people who really struggle for it.And that was, the people who havea strong sense of love and belongingbelieve theyre worthy of love and belonging.Thats it.They believe theyre worthy.And to me, the hard partof the one thing that keeps us out of connectionis our fear that were not worthy of conne

23、ction,was something that, personally and professionally,I felt like I needed to understand better.So what I didis I took all of the interviewswhere I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way,and just looked at those.What do these people have in common?I have a slight office supply addictio

24、n,but thats another talk.So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie,and I was like, what am I going to call this research?And the first words that came to my mindwere whole-hearted.These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness.So I wrote at the top of the manila folder

25、,and I started looking at the data.In fact, I did it firstin a four-dayvery intensive data analysis,where I went back, pulled these interviews, pulled the stories, pulled the incidents.Whats the theme? Whats the pattern?My husband left town with the kidsbecause I always go into this Jackson Pollock

26、crazy thing,where Im just like writingand in my researcher mode.And so heres what I found.What they had in commonwas a sense of courage.And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute.Courage, the original definition of courage,when it first came into the English language -its from t

27、he Latin word cor, meaning heart -and the original definitionwas to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.And so these folkshad, very simply, the courageto be imperfect.They had the compassionto be kind to themselves first and then to others,because, as it turns out, we cant practice c

28、ompassion with other peopleif we cant treat ourselves kindly.And the last was they had connection,and - this was the hard part -as a result of authenticity,they were willing to let go of who they thought they should bein order to be who they were,which you have to absolutely do thatfor connection.Th

29、e other thing that they had in commonwas this:They fully embraced vulnerability.They believedthat what made them vulnerablemade them beautiful.They didnt talk about vulnerabilitybeing comfortable,nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewin

30、g.They just talked about it being necessary.They talked about the willingnessto say, I love you first,the willingnessto do somethingwhere there are no guarantees,the willingnessto breathe through waiting for the doctor to callafter your mammogram.Theyre willing to invest in a relationshipthat may or

31、 may not work out.They thought this was fundamental.I personally thought it was betrayal.I could not believe I had pledged allegianceto research, where our job -you know, the definition of researchis to control and predict, to study phenomena,for the explicit reasonto control and predict.And now my

32、missionto control and predicthad turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerabilityand to stop controlling and predicting.This led to a little breakdown -(Laughter)- which actually looked more like this.(Laughter)And it did.I call it a breakdown; my therapist calls it a spiritual awaken

33、ing.A spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown,but I assure you it was a breakdown.And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist.Let me tell you something: you know who you arewhen you call your friends and say, I think I need to see somebody.Do you have any recommendations?Because a

34、bout five of my friends were like,Wooo. I wouldnt want to be your therapist.(Laughter)I was like, What does that mean?And theyre like, Im just saying, you know.Dont bring your measuring stick.I was like, Okay.So I found a therapist.My first meeting with her, Diana -I brought in my listof the way the

35、 whole-hearted live, and I sat down.And she said, How are you?And I said, Im great. Im okay.She said, Whats going on?And this is a therapist who sees therapists,because we have to go to those,because their B.S. meters are good.(Laughter)And so I said,Heres the thing, Im struggling.And she said, What

36、s the struggle?And I said, Well, I have a vulnerability issue.And I know that vulnerability is the coreof shame and fearand our struggle for worthiness,but it appears that its also the birthplaceof joy, of creativity,of belonging, of love.And I think I have a problem,and I need some help.And I said,

37、 But heres the thing:no family stuff,no childhood shit.(Laughter)I just need some strategies.(Laughter)(Applause)Thank you.So she goes like this.(Laughter)And then I said, Its bad, right?And she said, Its neither good nor bad.(Laughter)It just is what it is.And I said, Oh my God, this is going to su

38、ck.(Laughter)And it did, and it didnt.And it took about a year.And you know how there are peoplethat, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important,that they surrender and walk into it.A: thats not me,and B: I dont even hang out with people like that.(Laughter)For me, it was a ye

39、arlong street fight.It was a slugfest.Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.I lost the fight,but probably won my life back.And so then I went back into the researchand spent the next couple of yearsreally trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted,what choices they were making,and what are we d

40、oingwith vulnerability.Why do we struggle with it so much?Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability?No.So this is what I learned.We numb vulnerability -when were waiting for the call.It was funny, I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebookthat says, How would you define vulnerability?What mak

41、es you feel vulnerable?And within an hour and a half, I had 150 responses.Because I wanted to knowwhats out there.Having to ask my husband for helpbecause Im sick, and were newly married;initiating sex with my husband;initiating sex with my wife;being turned down; asking someone out;waiting for the

42、doctor to call back;getting laid off; laying off people -this is the world we live in.We live in a vulnerable world.And one of the ways we deal with itis we numb vulnerability.And I think theres evidence -and its not the only reason this evidence exists,but I think its a huge cause -we are the most

43、in-debt,obese,addicted and medicatedadult cohort in U.S. history.The problem is - and I learned this from the research -that you cannot selectively numb emotion.You cant say, heres the bad stuff.Heres vulnerability, heres grief, heres shame,heres fear, heres disappointment.I dont want to feel these.

44、Im going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.(Laughter)I dont want to feel these.And I know thats knowing laughter.I hack into your lives for a living.God.(Laughter)You cant numb those hard feelingswithout numbing the other affects, our emotions.You cannot selectively numb.So when we n

45、umb those,we numb joy,we numb gratitude,we numb happiness.And then we are miserable,and we are looking for purpose and meaning,and then we feel vulnerable,so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.And it becomes this dangerous cycle.One of the things that I think we need to think abo

46、utis why and how we numb.And it doesnt just have to be addiction.The other thing we dois we make everything thats uncertain certain.Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mysteryto certainty.Im right, youre wrong. Shut up.Thats it.Just certain.The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are

47、,the more afraid we are.This is what politics looks like today.Theres no discourse anymore.Theres no conversation.Theres just blame.You know how blame is described in the research?A way to discharge pain and discomfort.We perfect.If theres anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me,but it doesnt work.Because what we do is we take fat from our buttsand put it in our cheeks.(Laughter)Which just, I hope in 100 years,people will look back and go, Wow.(Laughter)And we perfect, most dangerously,our children.Let me tell you what