读后续写：小男孩最后的玩具讲义-高三英语写作专项.docx

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1、阅读下面材料，根据其内容和所给段落开头语续写两段，使之构成一篇完整的短文。Adler lived with his unemployed mother and a younger brother in a small house in Durango.Like other boys at his age, the small, golden-haired boy wanted to play with his friends and have fun, but fate had other plans. After observing what was happening in his hou

2、se, the boy decided to do something for his family. He picked up his only toy, a ball, and left his house with a mission-to help his family.Little Adler walked to the nearest store with his last toy in hand, hoping he could sell it. His innocent mind could only come up with this idea to help his mot

3、her, unaware that no one would buy the ball from him. While the little boy was selling his toy at the street, a man with the TiKTok name Ruben Cervantes spotted him. Curious, he approached Adler to see what happened to that little boy.With tears in his eyes, the little one said, I just want to sell

4、my only toy, sir, Would you like it? When Cervantes learned Adler was selling his toy to help his family, he asked, How much is it? Adler replied, I dont want money, sir. I just want milk and bread for my family.”At that moment, Cervantes was so moved by how this little mind could possess such matur

5、e concepts. While other children at his age were enjoying and living a carefree life, Adler was worrying about his homes financial situation. Without hesitation, Cervantes took the ball from the boy, gave him a hug and said, Dont worry, my boy. Ill keep your ball for now, hoping to play it with you

6、one day.Cervantes did buy milk and bread in exchange for his ball and sent him back home. The boy flashed a toothy smile and said, Thank you so much, sir. Im looking forward.Para 1: Immediately Cervantes got home, he posted Adlers story on TikTok.Para 2: One day, there was a knock at the door.Para 1

7、: Immediately Cervantes got home, he posted Adlers story on TikTok.And it went viral. Comments flooded in, commending the boys selflessness and offering to help the family. Seeing the video garnering more attention and support, suddenly, Cervantes had an idea. Meanwhile, after parting ways with Cerv

8、antes, Adler returned home. With milk and bread in his hands, the boy sneaked to the kitchen and put the food in the fridge, trying not to make a sound. That night, before drifting off, he thought about the kind man and fell asleep with a sweet smile on his face.Para 2: One day, there was a knock at

9、 the door.Adlers mom answered it and was flabbergasted to see a crowd carrying bags of groceries, clothes and toys. It was Cervantes and his followers who had come to help the family. They explained everything. The warm breeze carried the scent of freshly baked bread as Adlers mother welcomed them i

10、nto her home with tears of gratitude in her eyes. Soon, Adler came home. Laughing and chasing each other around in the yard, Cervantes kept his promise and played with Adler with the ball that had warmed millions of hearts.续写精析Para 1: Immediately Cervantes got home, he posted Adlers story on TikTok.

11、情节分析根据第一句提示语，我们可知Cervantes回家将这感人的事情以短视频的形式分享到社交媒体上。那么紧接着肯定会描写网民对这件事情的反应如何。第二段提示语说，有一天，有人来敲门。可想而知，肯定敲门之人与Cervantes有关。那么怎么进行首段后半部分的情节设计，以使两段衔接上呢？我下面举两种第一段的续写思路，并说明为什么我会选择现在的设计：1.视角承接首段提示语，仅聚焦Cervantes一个人。Cervantes回家发完视频后，视频爆火，他看着大家热情的评论，被人们的善意所触动，然后决定为这个家庭做更多的事情。以此链接第二段他的行动。2.将视角作出拆分。Cervantes和Adler分别

12、后，两人各回各家。Cervantes分享视频是一个视角，另一个视角则跟着Adler，看小朋友拿到面包和牛奶后会做什么，回家后发生什么。选择第二种设计有两重考虑：1.如果我是读者，除了想看到网民对视频的反应，也肯定会想知道小朋友回家会怎么做？那么选择第二种，续写内容就能满足读者的好奇。毕竟单纯描写一条故事线内容是有限的，而双线叙事则可以让故事更丰满。2.为了逻辑上更好地衔接第二段。第二段的提示语是“one day, there was a knock at the door.”从逻辑角度，很多人会同意是Adler家的门被敲响。但如果第一段以单视角叙事，那么结束的时候，镜头是停留在Cervante

13、s家的，那么下面的knock on the door到底是谁家的门被敲响了？会引发误解。写作时一定不能因为自己明白，就觉得别人也能心领神会。读者没有读心术，更没有时间去猜猜猜，所以作者必须把逻辑理清楚，竭力避免读者误解，以期让读者阅读更畅快。选择第二种的第二重好处就在于，在首段结尾时，视角会自然转到Adler家，所以当第二句提示语出现的时候，the door我们就知道是谁家的门。下面进入分句精析And it went viral.（前面说Cervantes分享了视频，那么这样一个可爱的小男孩的行为会引发网民什么样的反应呢？我的答案是it went viral.视频大火。首先，后面剧情如果视频石

14、沉大海会很难展开。其次，大家应该看过短视频网站上暖暖的视频，尤其涉及到小朋友，瞬间就可以俘获人心。所以体现真善美的视频大火符合情理。句式上，长短句结合，增强韵律感。）Comments flooded in, commending the boys selflessness and offering to help the family.（紧接视频大火，是怎么个火法？点赞多，转发多，收藏多？想要展现出网民的反应，我选择了评论多。评论如潮涌，纷纷称赞Adler的无私并提出要帮助这一家。体现出网民的热情。用词上，这句话中的flood in,和commend都值得学习，尤其后者。习惯表示称赞，可能会用

15、praise, applaud，但此处如果能用一个commend就别有新意。注意区分commend和command,不要搞混哦。）Seeing the video garnering more attention and support, suddenly, Cervantes had an idea.（这是Cervantes部分的最后一句，视角从发布视频-描述网民反映-再回归Cervantes流转不停。我决定先用seeing的简化句，提供后面人物反应的触发点。然后再用had an idea，设置悬念保证阅读乐趣，又给读者一些线索，却不过于直白。铺垫第二段剧情。语言上，此句中的garner值得

16、借鉴。牛津这样定义它，to obtain or collect sth such as information, support, etc.所以放在这里，替换常用的gather, gain，恰如其分，让人耳目一新。）Meanwhile, after parting ways with Cervantes, Adler returned home.（meanwhile承接视角的变换。主句视角切到Adler身上。这部分的设计还有一重考虑，当视角转到Adler身上的时候，他在干什么？我增加了一个时间状语，目的是为了让读者阅读流畅。通过选择把视角从两人分离时续起，Adler的故事线逻辑被补充得十分完整

17、。）With milk and bread in his hands, the boy sneaked to the kitchen and put the food in the fridge, trying not to make a sound.（离家时拿着自己的toy，回家时捧着Cervantes买给他的面包和牛奶。与前文逻辑呼应。但这句话的写作需要考虑一个问题，Adler回家后做什么？他会让大家都看见他带了东西回来吗？还是会做出其他选择？原文中提到，“Adler lived with his unemployed mother and a younger brother in a s

18、mall house in Durango.”他的母亲是失业在家的，如果他大摇大摆进去：1.母亲看到难免会询问，相互之间的互动会占据大量的词汇，但如果不写又不合理。2.母亲得知实情后为了这个家，孩子仅有的玩具都失去会否感动之余也有一些难过？原文在塑造Adler人物形象时用了这么一句话，“After observing what was happening in his house, the boy decided to do something for his family.”从这句话可知，Adler是一个心思细腻，体察入微的孩子，所以他是可以懂得母亲的辛劳与不易的。基于此，当他进门后，我设计

19、了他潜行到厨房，把东西放下，尽可能不引人注意的情节。That night, before drifting off, he thought about the kind man and fell asleep with a sweet smile on his face.（首段最后一个视角停留在Adler家中，聚焦小男孩。这漫长的一天终于结束了。在思绪飘走前，他想起了今天所遇之人，入睡时带着一丝甜甜的微笑。随着孩子入睡，情景由动转静，结束首段剧情。语言上我选择drift off，而不是fall asleep，营造思绪逐渐飘忽，慢慢入睡的感觉。孩子的微笑是sweet的，体现出孩子帮到家人欣喜的心

20、情，又给读者温暖的感觉。）Para 2: One day, there was a knock at the door.Adlers mom answered it and was flabbergasted to see a crowd carrying bags of groceries, clothes and toys.情节分析：（经过第一段的逻辑铺垫后，读者自然明白这扇门属于Adler家。那么是谁来应门，门外又是谁呢？这是第二段首先要回答的两个问题。第一个问题谁来应门呢？阅读材料开头铺垫Adler的母亲失业在家，所以她来开门符合逻辑。第二个问题门外是谁？此处我先不点明，而是聚焦Adl

21、er的母亲看到的场景。“看到门外一群人提着日用百货，衣服和玩具，孩子的母亲目瞪口呆。”鉴于Adler之前是悄悄回家，而非邀功请赏，此处其母亲的反应符合逻辑。逐句分析：It was Cervantes and his followers who had come to help the family.（此处才揭晓人群的身份，结合续写首段的铺垫，”Cervantes had an idea.”读者其实对于是谁在门外有心理预期。情节和首段伏笔对照，一个悬念得到解答。）They explained everything.（这句话虽短但必要。面对陌生人，大家都会有警惕之心，所以需要Cervantes先行

22、解释后，Adler的母亲才有可能邀他们进入家门。）The warm breeze carried the scent of freshly baked bread as Adlers mother welcomed them into her home with tears of gratitude in her eyes.（母亲听到这段故事流泪了。我觉得此处泪流有两重原因。1.感激好心人的善举；2.为孩子的懂事感动。每篇续写里，我都会去思考，如何设计一个画面让读者能印象深刻。在这篇文章中我原先设计了两个画面：一：“首段中，在小男孩回家时，夕阳投下一圈金色的光晕。”基于情景交融不足的理由，我选

23、择将其放弃。但保留第二种，“在Adler的母亲迎好心人入门时，和风将面包的香味也带入家中。“呼应原文bread and milk，也调动读者的五感，让人身临其境。）Soon, Adler came home. Laughing and chasing each other around, Cervantes kept his promise and played with Adler in the yard. The ball that had warmed millions of hearts flew high in the sky.（结尾如何才能让人印象深刻？其实在读到材料最后的时候，我

24、就想好了如何结尾。原文说，“Cervantes took the ball from the boy, gave him a hug and said, Dont worry, my boy. Ill keep your ball for now, hoping to play it with you one day. The boy flashed a toothy smile and said, Thank you so much, sir. Im looking forward.”Cervantes与Adler两人是有约定的，那就是要在再见之时，一起玩球。（原文没有线索提示是哪一种球，所以用了玩这个词）。所以在第二段的结尾，设计了这幅画面，“笑着，追着，Cervantes与Adler二人在院子里玩了起来，而小朋友曾经最后的玩具在空中飞过。” 动作与环境描写相结合。至此，所有伏笔全部得到照应，故事逻辑线真正首尾相接。而那颗温暖了千万人的球不仅飞在空中，也飞入读者的心中。）学科网（北京）股份有限公司