读后续写救援类坠入冰水中讲义-2023届高三英语二轮复习写作专项.docx

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1、阅读下面材料,根据其内容和所给段落开头语续写两段，使之构 成一篇完整的短文。“Go check out the ice while we go back and get the goal. I can remember my teenage friends saying that as they dropped me off by the edge of Fresh Pond in Fort Salonga. Growing up on Long Island in the 1960s and 1970sz my friends and I couldnt wait for school br

2、eak between Christmas and the new year.It was time to get out the ice skates and play hockey. Back then, in December, many ponds and lakes would freeze. One of my favorites was Blanchard Lake in Northport, or what we called the cove. It would get too crowded, though, so wed go to Centerports Mill Po

3、nd, which looked like deep water, but it wasnt.Back to that morning when I was dropped off at Fresh Pond. My friends and I realized that we forgot to bring the goal to shoot the puck（冰球）into ,so while they went back, I was going to test the ice. I started along the edge and felt it was solid. We had

4、 just had a cold snap （寒流）for a few days ,Lucky和caught表明这一线生机的来亦不易，而冰与火的对比更 突出友情的滚烫。so I didnt think there would be any problem. As I risked farther out, the ice got clearer, and it was exciting to see underwater plants under the ice.Suddenly, I heard a massive cracking sound that seemed to be all a

5、round me. I instinctively bent to my knees to not break through the ice like a straight torpedo （鱼雷）.It was too late Before I knew it, I was in the water with just my head sticking out and my arms waving while still holding my hockey stick. No one was around except one person at the far end of the p

6、ond who couldnt hear my cries for help. I was short of breath while trying to solve my crisis.Paragraph A.Using all my strength, I hammered the cutting edge of my stick into the ice ahead of me.Paragraph 2: The danger, however, wasnt over.Paragraph l:Using all my strength, I hammered the cutting edg

7、e of my stick into the ice ahead of me.It worked, for a while. As I struggled to climb back up, the sound of a crack pierced through my ears and heart. Holding the stick tightly, I froze, icy currents numbing my body and washing my hope away. Every second past was a torture with the sensation of my

8、extremities robbed by the cold. Finally, at the moment when I began to lose consciousness and grip of the stick, I heard the most wonderful sound, my friends calling my name.Paragraph 2:The danger, however, wasnt over.After I responded with my trembling voice, they carefully walked towards me. Yet t

9、he pressure that came with approaching steps become the last straw. With a loud crack, the stick fell and my heart sank. Unwilling to surrender, I squeezed however infinitesimal strength I had in me and swam towards my friends while they lay on the ground, feet in hands, with my friend at front reac

10、hing dangerously and desperately out for me. On that coldest day of my life, I was lucky enough to have caught the warmest thingmy friends hand.Paragraph l:Using all my strength, I hammered the cutting edge of my stick into the ice ahead of me.（首段剧情根据两句提示语决定首尾。用波峰浪谷来形容这篇续写，那么材料的结束应该是到达低谷， 第一句提示语有上升希

11、望，第二句提示语则预示剧情先上升和后 下降。这样一分析，就会发现在两句提示语的上升之间，应该存在一段 下降的剧情才符合逻辑。而这正是体现作者续写功力所在。下面进入分句精析。）It worked, for a while.（首段提示语说，“我使劲将冰球杆锐处锤入面前的冰块中。”其 动作目的应是避免自己被水流冲到冰下。但根据上面分析，首段剧情要先下后上。所以此处我欲扬先抑，铺垫后续剧情，说“这法子奏效，但好景不长”。自然而然勾起读者好奇心，后面会发生什么呢？此句语言精练，情绪调动自然。）As I struggled to climb back up, the sound of a crack pi

12、erced through my ears and heart.（材料铺垫过此地冰面透明度高，厚度难以支撑体重。因而当主角挣扎着返回冰面时，一声刺耳的裂响穿透我的耳朵和 心。剧情展开符合逻辑。此句struggle体现处境艰难。无灵主语句中的pierce through my ears and heart刺穿耳朵和心脏，则夸张地体现出裂响对主角的冲击。或许真实情况下，冰裂的声 音微不可闻，但对深处险境的主角，无异天崩。）Holding the stick tightly, I froze, icy currents numbing my body and washing my hope away

13、.（“紧握球杆，我“冻住了”，冰冷的水流麻木我的身体，冲走我的 希望。”这句话有两个妙处：I froze. froze既表示身体僵直，体现当冰块进一步裂开后，主角不 再轻举妄动。又有“冻住”之意，与原文情境相匹，一词双关。坠入水中的我是何感受？ 一个无灵主语句把身心两面体现地淋漓 尽致。“冰冷的”水流冲刷下，不仅我身体麻木，失去知觉，我的 希望也好似被冲走了。环境在此处也被赋予了生命力。）Every second past was a torture with the sensation of my extremities robbed by the cold.（如何营造情境的代入感？从环境和

14、逻辑着手，用细节描写构建真实的环境，再用逻辑让剧 情合理演进，最后用语言调动读者的五官，代入感随之而来。便如此处，主角深陷寒冰。外界温度过低时，更多血液会流向身体中心，给重要脏器供应氧 气和养分，手指、脚趾、耳朵等末梢部位就会因为血流减少而感 觉寒冷。因此，我写了这一句“每过一秒都是折磨，四肢的知觉不断被寒冷 剥夺。”读者读过后，四肢自然互感，如身临其境。从用词角度，此句中sensation和extremities准确且清新。 sensation:% ability to feel throughjour sense 6/9zzr;extremities:/ parts of jour bod

15、y that are furthest from the centrey especially your hands and feet.Robbed抢夺，又进一步赋予寒冷生命力，增强文本的互动性。）Finally, at the moment when I began to lose consciousness and grip of the stick, I heard the most wonderful sound, my friends calling my name.（最后一句需和第二段衔接。根据段前分析，首段剧情需先下后上再衔接第二段的下。因此这句话我构建了剧情转折。在主角身体麻木

16、、意识凋零，即 将握不住球杆之际，朋友的呼喊唤起主角求生的希望。第一段剧情的波澜至此结束。）Paragraph 2:The danger, however, wasnt over.（承接上段剧情，朋友喊声已近，接着我该回应。但第二段的剧 情就该我顺利得救而结束吗？提示语为我们指明方向。The danger wasnt over.剧情应该再起波澜，但danger从何而来？下面进入第二段续写分句精析。）After I responded with my trembling voice, they carefully walked towards me.（主角颤抖着回应，trembling voic

17、e细节符合冻伤的主角状态。与 此同时，朋友们当觉察我在水中，判断冰层之浅，故小心翼翼朝 我走来。这句话同样为下文作铺垫。）Yet the pressure that came with approaching steps become the last straw.（谁料，朋友们的靠近本应带来希望，却成为压垮冰层的最后一 根稻草。无灵主语句与习语比喻修辞相结合，逻辑有说服力，细节丰富，表达地道。）With a loud crack, the stick fell and my heart sank.（crack, crack, crack, crack伴着第四声裂响,整个故事演进到最低 谷，亦

18、是最高潮。希望面前的“我”彻底坠落，心也随之沉了。此处，如上文冰冷水流冲刷身心，我亦采用心理描写与动作相结 合的写作方式，增强代入感。）Unwilling to surrender, I squeezed however infinitesimal strength I had in me and swam towards my friends while they lay on the ground, feet in hands, with my friend at front reaching dangerously and desperately out for me.（精疲力竭又身陷绝

19、境，如何自处？放弃吗？躺平吗？毁灭吧？ ！此类续写突出的就是一个永不言弃的求生意志，岩缝里，火海中， 哪怕一寸寸爬行，也要活下去。此处的主角自然也不愿屈服。Surrender代替yield, give in避免重复（我自己）或落入俗套。这句话的妙处在于我在同一个瞬间融合了朋友和主角两个视角, 突出情况紧急。此时的我在水中已泡多时，四肢无力，意识模糊，但即便这样， 我依然压榨出体内不论多微小的每分力量，向朋友们游去。而主角的朋友们更是第一时间卧倒，手脚相连，皆呈锁链。即使 分散压力，更是方便营救。居于最前方的朋友伸出他的手。这是怎样的一副姿态？Dangerously and desperatel

20、y用的巧妙。一指奋不顾身，一指心急如 焚，再一次将身心描写结合，真实感扑面而来。）On that coldest day of my life, I was lucky enough to have caught the warmest thingmy friends hand.（剧情波澜迭起，读者的心也随之起伏。在读者心弦紧绷时，终 于到了最后一句。主角可以讲述这个故事，其生还已不是悬念。最后一句的关键是 如何能在总结全文的同时，给读者留下深刻印象。为此，我以主角回忆般的口吻，用对比的手法，结合动作描写勾 勒了最后的画面，“在那我人生中至冷至暗的一日，我何其有幸地 抓住了至温暖的事物朋友的手。”